Wow. So here we are already. One month since my last one of these. I truly don't understasnd the passing of time as I get older. I love the idea that time moves quicker as we get older because our amount of life grows with each year and so the median gets pushed and BAM, suddenly we're 40.
Or 30. As I am about to be. Just a few more days. To be honest, I thought I'd be one of those "OHMYGODIMTURNING30WHATDOIDONOW" people, but I'm not. I think I'm looking forward to it? My mom would always say, "30 is young enough to know what you want and old enough to get it." And yet, I was just speaking with an elderly friend of mine today who was saying his prime was from 45 - 60. That's when you really start to know who you are and feel comfortable in this whole life thing. So maybe it'll take 15 more years than I thought.
I always told myself I'd have the whole life thing figured out before 30. I told myself, "Most people don't get it until they're 30? I'm going to get it at 25." But 25 came and went. I spent my 20's pining for the peace and comfort that I think you can only really achieve when you're 30 or older, if you're lucky I suppose. But that's been my recent musing. You can't have what you'll have at 30 because you're not 30. (Imagine the answer being so simple.) But you have to go through it. You have to take what life throws at you and realize what's important and what's not. You have to let yourself and love and be loved by the people who won't hurt you. You have to put your time into cultivating the things that give back to you, in whatever way that is. You have to spend time with your loved ones because they won't be here forever. And stop pining after that stupid boy who isn't going to commit to you. Stop wasting your time, it's beneath you. (lolz)
Truly, it took me until maybe, 6 months ago to realize, I deserve to be here, I deserve to take up space, I deserve to have a voice and to be heard and to do the thing I love without needing to break my back in the process of doing so. I just had to break my back -and heart- about 4 times to really let this conclusion and those words and thought processes settle in.
But I think it's all okay? Somehow? The heartbreak and the growth and the pain and the love and the realizations. I think it's all life. And I think it's learning to dance in and around all of those things and still find joy, no matter how small. Otherwise, you get really sucked up into the weight of it all because, don't get me wrong, I know weight. And I know these things are heavy as heavy can be, but if you try to walk around with and carry them all simultaneously, you'll break. So don't be afraid to set some of it down and come back to it when you can. And in the meantime, celebrate the small things, spend time with the ones you love, and be grateful for what you've got because a giant meteor could hit earth any second and what's the use of spending what mininal time we have here worrying so much about how clean your floors are?
Happy 30, 40, 50, or 60 to you,
Here we are. Already in August. I can hardly believe it.
I think in my head, I had planned to do one of these a month. If you look back at my previous post you can see that I missed July. To be honest with you, July was just such a whirlwind, I could barely keep up myself. But I have a minute here and I thought of you and I wanted to write.
This last week or so, I've been doing some major reflection as I come into the back half of the year. This year started with my first ever sold out show in my hometown at The Cock 'n Bull. Rick, the owner and a good friend of mine, was texting me that morning telling me he had people calling him personally and asking for tables and chairs. I was shocked and humbled and it was an incredible evening.
In February, that same band and I made our way down to the city to play music for the CEO of Atlantic Records. He loved my music, specifically "Steady Your Heart" but I didn't have the social media following for him to want to move in any forward motion with my music being attached to his record label's name. (The big question is, would I have wanted it even if I could have had it? Something I still ponder over 6 months later.)
Then, March was full of Nippertown's March Madness competition, which ended in all of you getting me through to the final round and allowing me recording time, some extra cash, and a chance to play at their festival in July. That made me feel so held and supported by all of you, I can't even begin to explain. I had no idea I had that many people behind me that believed in me enough to make that happen.
For those of you who don't know, I then unfortunately lost my Grandmother and my cousin in the following months and I've still been healing from that. Every now and again I think to myself, "Why do I have so many of these days where I only want to sit on my couch, watch 'True Blood' and eat snacks?" And then I remember, I'm still grieving. Those deaths are weighing heavy on my heart and really turned my world upside down. The song inspiration has been on a bit of a pause as I try and process how different life is now. Sometimes you know you're going through that hero's journey as you're in it, and that's what this feels like.
In June, I had my first ever headlining solo show at Caffe Lena, the door manager said she had never seen so many at the door tickets purchased before the show, which was giving me a heart attack because I was sure no one was coming until I walked out on stage and there were 102 of you in the audience. (Not sold out, but 8 tickets away. It's now a goal for next year.) My heart is still so full from that evening and that will really mean so much to me for quite awhile.
July just didn't stop. I saw so many of you out and about at all of the various gigs I played and it was so lovely. Closing out with Wolf Hollow and my family coming out and us being able to gather for something that wasn't a passing really brought so much warmth to me, I could feel it while I was up there and still feel it today.
I just released my "Tail End of Summer" dates. Come and see me, I'd love to see you. These gigs I have coming up and have had this year are the gigs I've been striving towards for the last seven years. Gigs that feature my music and a room of people coming to sit and listen to it. It's incredible. And all of this is not lost on me. Just how lucky I am to be able to do the thing I love and have people listen. I think about that almost everyday. (Gratitude is a practice I try to instill daily or I'd lose sight of what's important.)
To close, thank you. Thank you. The support you have brought this year has been unprecedented. It has felt like a major shift in a multitude of ways. But I am just to grateful.
Thinking of all of you, I hope your summer has been full of the things that make you happy.
Trying something new.
I truly have no idea who's going to see this, if anyone. So I think I'm just going to do it like no one's reading it. I think I'm better at expressing myself in this way than through songwriting sometimes. Sometimes I get caught up in thinking about what it sounds like, whether or not I've been clever enough, if anyone's going to get my witty little lyrical twist, or if the person it's about will hear it and they'll know it's about them- which is something I have always equally wanted and not wanted at all. (But moreso wanted.)
In conclusion, I'm hoping to use this as a way to get to know each other better. I'll let you know what's happening in my life, what shows are coming up, and just general current life musings, which I generally have a lot of. If you know me at all, you already know that, and the next new thing is always up and coming and I've listened to three podcasts about it and I can't to share it with you and maybe offer some knowledge along your journey as well if you think that's something you might want or need from me- or not. You're getting it either way.
But I'm looking forward to connecting in another way. Can't wait to see where this might get us. Chat soon. 🌱