May

Good morning. ☀️ I hope the sun is shining where you are.

I'm sitting in our little sunny front room. We got up early this morning. Both of us. Which rarely ever happens. But you know those summer mornings that start hot and the heat wakes you up? When you can feel the humidity already? Today was one of those days. And I usually dislike those days. Or at least want to be near water those days. But for some reason, it felt good today. To wake up wrapped in warmth. Or maybe I'm just getting old and my baseline is a little colder and I'm embracing the warmth now. Guess that's what 30 will do to you.

​I was thinking the other day about how I used to wake up and do crosswords with my mom. I just saw my family yesterday and my mom was having a really bad day. Most of her days are not good. But this was a really bad one. She can't walk much on her own anymore and she can't really talk. It's hard to watch a person who used to be so, almost to a fault, independent. And now has to use a walker at 61. 

I started this fantasy book series called "Throne of Glass" in January. It's an 8 book series and the last book is almost 1,000 pages. They're dense world building all the way up until the end of the 6th and 7th books and then action for the entire 8th book. By the time I got to the last book I was crying at almost every other chapter and through to the entire end. It was beyond good. And I keep thinking about this one part of it:

"...Nehemia still felt the weight of her choices. Still wished to be free of her burdens. It had not made her weak. Not in the slightest."

This is how I feel about my family situation right now. If you had told me that my mom would be in the state she's in now, my dad would be as broken as he is, I would be as drained as I am, I wouldn't have believed you. And I can't tell you how many times I've looked at this part of my life and thought, "I wish my life looked like someone else's. I wish I didn't have these issues. I wish I didn't have to pick my mom up off the floor more times than I can count. I wish I hadn't watched my dad, unable to breathe, almost die. Multiple times in the last few years, and in one day, alone. I wish I had the energy to go on runs and enjoy the sun and do what I love without the guilt of feeling like I should be doing more or something else. And how weak that has made me feel."

"[She] still wished to be free of her burdens. It had not made her weak. Not in the slightest."

​So when I read this passage, I cried. That's the thing about books/movies/music/art/etc. It's a mirror for us, isn't it? It's a way for us to feel less alone. It's a way for us to feel seen. And even at 30 years old, I'm still looking for that. I look back on my teenage self, who thought by 30 I'd have it all figured out. I try everyday to figure it out. And I don't think anyone ever does. We're here to be humans, right? And there's no way of knowing it all, even if we spend our whole lives searching for answers in stories, songs, places, people. That's the beauty of being human. Is the question of it all.

I know this had nothing to do with my music, but it always comes back to that. I've been feeling less than inspired lately and as I write this, I know there's a song in here. It'll come with time. But I'm trying to be patient with myself. I'm trying to give myself the time and rest I need to process and come out on the other side with something a little more put together and coherent for you all. 

For now, I think it's just that I hope you can find some happiness wherever you are. Whether that's in this summer sun, or a good thunderstorm, a beautiful song, or a moving book, give yourself that. Because things are hard. And they only become harder if you fight yourself along the way. Give yourself what you need to get through, whatever that is, and know, it does not make you weak. In fact, it makes you strong.