September

Wow. So here we are already. One month since my last one of these. I truly don't understasnd the passing of time as I get older. I love the idea that time moves quicker as we get older because our amount of life grows with each year and so the median gets pushed and BAM, suddenly we're 40.

Or 30. As I am about to be. Just a few more days. To be honest, I thought I'd be one of those "OHMYGODIMTURNING30WHATDOIDONOW" people, but I'm not. I think I'm looking forward to it? My mom would always say, "30 is young enough to know what you want and old enough to get it." And yet, I was just speaking with an elderly friend of mine today who was saying his prime was from 45 - 60. That's when you really start to know who you are and feel comfortable in this whole life thing. So maybe it'll take 15 more years than I thought.

I always told myself I'd have the whole life thing figured out before 30. I told myself, "Most people don't get it until they're 30? I'm going to get it at 25." But 25 came and went. I spent my 20's pining for the peace and comfort that I think you can only really achieve when you're 30 or older, if you're lucky I suppose. But that's been my recent musing. You can't have what you'll have at 30 because you're not 30. (Imagine the answer being so simple.) But you have to go through it. You have to take what life throws at you and realize what's important and what's not. You have to let yourself and love and be loved by the people who won't hurt you. You have to put your time into cultivating the things that give back to you, in whatever way that is. You have to spend time with your loved ones because they won't be here forever. And stop pining after that stupid boy who isn't going to commit to you. Stop wasting your time, it's beneath you. (lolz)

Truly, it took me until maybe, 6 months ago to realize, I deserve to be here, I deserve to take up space, I deserve to have a voice and to be heard and to do the thing I love without needing to break my back in the process of doing so. I just had to break my back -and heart-  about 4 times to really let this conclusion and those words and thought processes settle in.

But I think it's all okay? Somehow? The heartbreak and the growth and the pain and the love and the realizations. I think it's all life. And I think it's learning to dance in and around all of those things and still find joy, no matter how small. Otherwise, you get really sucked up into the weight of it all because, don't get me wrong, I know weight. And I know these things are heavy as heavy can be, but if you try to walk around with and carry them all simultaneously, you'll break. So don't be afraid to set some of it down and come back to it when you can. And in the meantime, celebrate the small things, spend time with the ones you love, and be grateful for what you've got because a giant meteor could hit earth any second and what's the use of spending what mininal time we have here worrying so much about how clean your floors are?

Happy 30, 40, 50, or 60 to you,
Angelina 🌻​