Life lately.
If I’m being completely honest, I’m trying to rally the desire to step on stage again. I never, ever, thought that would be a sentence I would say. Like. EVER. Let me reiterate. Since I stepped onto a stage when I was five, I haven't wanted to be off of one. So much of my life has been me with this utter desire to be heard, to be really listened to. Being one of four isn't necessarily easy. It's not five or six, but it's still more kids than parents. I remember my first lesson with my college voice teacher, we were talking about me growing up in a big, loud, Italian house. And we were laughing about it, really. I was telling her stories and she was laughing with me. And then, it felt jarring to me, she asked, “Do you feel like you have to yell to be heard?” And it hit something so deep inside of me, I don’t think I’ve fully processed it until now. Now when I’ve created a quiet, safe, loving home with a person who has carried me through the last few years of my life, which have been the most difficult I have ever known. My home has become my safe haven. I find it really difficult to gather the desire to leave it. When I step outside of it, I find myself getting overstimulated quickly and needing more recharge time than the actual amount of time I spent out in the world. This is a really new thing for me and I'm just beginning to understand it., I started performing because it changed me. To step on stage and to be so fully seen and heard. It was what I was craving my entire life. I have spent the last few years with that desire driving me, maybe not even consciously, each time I step on stage. And I've realized, almost feeling like I'm grabbing for the attention instead of letting it come to me. It's exhausting. But now. I have more attention than I’ve ever had and it’s been weird and stressful for me to balance. Because I actually hate it? Truthfully, I do not love attention when I don’t ask for it. It makes me feel so exposed. (Which I KNOW is so backwards with what I’ve said above. But I’m a human. I can feel two things at once and they can completely oppose each other.) Like, don't ever sing happy birthday to me. And I won't have a bridal shower or a baby shower because if I have to open gifts in front of a room full of people, I'd rather re-enact the last scene from "Saw." (jk this is an exaggeration but like. Only by a little.) And this year has felt like that kind of exposing attention. But now that I’m resetting and recalibrating and coming down off of that high after the busiest summer of shows I've ever had, I’m realizing I’ve changed. So much. I’ve realized that if people don’t want to listen to me, then I don’t need them to. Not when I have real love and support coming from people who want nothing more than to wholly give it. Friends who deeply care about me and my well-being. Pianos to be played in the comfort of my home. Words to be said that only I've heard so far- and maybe that's because I'm a little chicken to share them with you. But I'll get there. So after 31 years of stepping on stage to need to be heard, I’m changing the narrative. I’m stepping on stage to heal. Me and you. But mostly me. (hehe) Selfishly, I think I need to do this for me because if I continue to try and latch onto an outside source for validation, there's no way I'll be able to keep doing this. I shared a bit about this on my socials a little while ago, and I can't tell you how many people have reached out to me and said they've been having similar feelings. I was saying, "I wish I could just record music and release it and people would pay for it and connect with it and I'd never have to play a show again." But alas, that's not how musicians make music nowadays. And this one friend I was speaking to said to me, "The world deserves to hear your music." Which knocked me down a few pegs thinking about all of this. Because as much as it does feel selfish, and about me, it's not, is it? It's about us. That's what art is. It's the collective. It's the human experience. So I think I'm taking a step away from some band shows for a little bit. I need to take a beat and revisit why I'm doing this and who I am on stage before I drag my band back into this thrashing sea of emotions I've been going through silently during a show. I have this arsenal of new songs I’ve been sleeping on and can’t wait to share with you. And I have stories to go along with them that I’ve been avoiding talking about and needing to share. I’m not there yet, but something’s cultivating. Looking forward to seeing you out there. Can't wait, actually. <3
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Alright y'all. The new song is here. The new video is here. Charting a Course - Recorded at Atlantic Studios (That's Atlantic Records. Yup. I know. Wild.)
Listen HERE: tr.ee/mxGtA4Jvxs Watch HERE: youtu.be/zrIauDgG_tE?si=d8eGfvOXEMDK2gfi (Apologies, for some reason it's not letting me hyperlink but you get the idea.) This song has been floating around in my brain since, I think around 2020. I'd have to go back and dig through pages and pages of notebooks on top of notebooks (literally on top of each other, they're stacked all over my different bookshelves and in desk drawers) to find the original lyrics. I didn't touch it for a really long time. It was one of those I wrote and then left alone and returned to one day thinking, "Why did I ever put this one down?" The album I released last year and this song were all written within a few years of each other, around 2020 - 2023. I had always imagined this song would end up on the album with all the others, released as one big piece of my life, but then the Atlantic Records thing happened and this one didn't feel right to put on the album anymore. Plus, like, how cool is it to release a single recorded at Atlantic Records? Pretty cool, I think. And I've loved hearing what people think of this song. I had someone ask me what this song is about. I find most of my lyrics are really definitive ie, "Last time I saw you you asked me if that song was about you I regret that I said nothing but in the moment it's so hard to just say yes" or "I love you in a way I've never loved nobody else" or "I know the girl across the street was the one who came before me." Non-sensical, just saying exactly what's happening in the moment. Doesn't leave much to the imagination. But after I was asked this, I started thinking, huh. This is a little more poetic than I usually get. So I thought maybe I'd break it down a bit. "Charting a course with no need to be charted" In other words, we're trying to define something that doesn't need to be defined. We're trying to put a label to something that doesn't need one. We're looking for more meaning when sometimes it all just...is. Or, my personal favorite, we're turning over tables and burning down cities (metaphorically or otherwise) to fight a fight that doesn't need to be fought, against others or ourselves. This meaning changes for me depending on the day I'm singing it and what's happening in my life at that current moment. The last line of the chorus is: "We're living in the pain of our broken hearts when the love that we needed was there all along" This might be some of my favorite lyrics I have ever written. I don't know if you'll relate to this, but I've spent so much time living in and from that broken heart space. Thinking I need fixing, thinking I need to feel only good, all the time, when really I just need to be living from what's behind that. Which is just love. If we all moved from that tender space, I think life might be a little easier across the board. But it's hard. If it was easy everyone would do it. So this song serves as a reminder to me to keep living from that space instead of the space that seems easier in the moment. I remember listening to an interview with The Avett Brothers and they were talking about writing a song from the perspective of the person you want to be, or the place you want to be. And that's this song for me. I don't always live from the places I sing about in this song. But oof, I really want to. Which gets me to the last verse. "As your day ends, oh another's beginning / As you fold your hands and look up to the sky You think of how grateful you are just to be here / And how without darkness you wouldn't know light" The last few years have been a doozy for me. As they have been for all of us. I've been going through major physical and emotional upheavals and trying to stay present through all of that is so incredibly difficult. Disassociating and turning off your brain is so much easier than feeling what you need to feel to get to the other side. There is a time for doing that to be able to survive. I know it. You can't feel everything all at once (you'd implode) but it can happen in bits and pieces and in safe spaces. I wrote this verse long before I was on the side of being grateful. I was singing this song in the midst of some really tough shit (for lack of a better phrase) and sometimes I'd sing it and feel like a fraud. But that's what practicing gratitude is, I think. It's a fake it 'til you make it kind of thing. You put on the face and you say, "Today, I'm grateful for a, b, and c" without acknowledging that you know, the world is on fire. You have to WORK for positivity, you have to create joy or you will get sucked into the void. So even if I sang this a million times and never meant it, I do now. Everytime I get to this verse during a show, I drop right into my body and look up at the sky I'm under and think, "Wow. I made it. I'm here. That's pretty darn amazing in light of all that has happened." I've become grateful because I sang it into existence. I practiced it and I can see it now. I think, to sum up in one thought what this song is, it's really letting go. I can say so many words about all of this and break it down line by line and tell you what the personal piece is behind each one, but it would always come back to that. Letting go. I hope you can listen to this song and feel what I feel and come around to the other side of something you've been holding too tightly. I'm telling you now, it's easier to let it go. All my love, Angelina <3 Here we are in the last day of June. It's 5:59 am for me. Which I know may now be early for some of you but is a little too early for me when my bedtime was around 11:30 pm last night.
It's been a full week. I had my Caffe Lena show on Thursday which just took a lot out of me. Before big gigs like that I always try to tell myself, "it's just like any other gig. I don't need to be this nervous." But really, it's not is it? There's a reason that room is famous. You're looking your audience directly in the eye and they are inches away from you. (Literally, as I was getting ready for that show and making my list of to-do's, I put "paint toenails" on it because the audience is so close they can see your toes and I swear one of the audience members did look at them at one point. So thank goodness I did paint them.) There is not experience like it. And there were so many new people in that room I had never met before. Which is nerve-wracking but also so exciting. It was just such a lovely night. Tiring, but so, so perfect. If you were there, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. I already can't wait for the next one. I've got a busy summer coming up. I'm so looking forward to it. This is the first year that I'm running purely on music-related income. Which has been exciting and stressful and interesting? I'm doing a smattering of a few different things, most of which I never would have seen coming had you told me a year ago this would be my life now. But I'm loving it. I said to JP the other day, if I won the lottery, I'd still continue doing all of the things I'm doing right now because I leave all of them feeling more full than when I went in. Which I know is so lucky of me because not most people get that feeling from their work. I'm playing some really great shows. Gigs I've wanted for a really long time but I think maybe, I can finally admit out-loud, I wasn't ready for yet. I'm learning that everything will happen in its time and its time is the right time. I've got the band now, we're fleshing these songs out in such a beautiful, careful way and I love it. When we hit the stage the other night, I hadn't played a full band show since January, and I got chills the moment they came in with me. I'm so unbelievably lucky to do this and that you all want to listen. It's still just. So shocking to me. Makes me feel like a million bucks. Hope to see you around this summer and that you're enjoying yours. All my love, Angelina 🌿 Good morning. ☀️ I hope the sun is shining where you are.
I'm sitting in our little sunny front room. We got up early this morning. Both of us. Which rarely ever happens. But you know those summer mornings that start hot and the heat wakes you up? When you can feel the humidity already? Today was one of those days. And I usually dislike those days. Or at least want to be near water those days. But for some reason, it felt good today. To wake up wrapped in warmth. Or maybe I'm just getting old and my baseline is a little colder and I'm embracing the warmth now. Guess that's what 30 will do to you. I was thinking the other day about how I used to wake up and do crosswords with my mom. I just saw my family yesterday and my mom was having a really bad day. Most of her days are not good. But this was a really bad one. She can't walk much on her own anymore and she can't really talk. It's hard to watch a person who used to be so, almost to a fault, independent. And now has to use a walker at 61. I started this fantasy book series called "Throne of Glass" in January. It's an 8 book series and the last book is almost 1,000 pages. They're dense world building all the way up until the end of the 6th and 7th books and then action for the entire 8th book. By the time I got to the last book I was crying at almost every other chapter and through to the entire end. It was beyond good. And I keep thinking about this one part of it: "...Nehemia still felt the weight of her choices. Still wished to be free of her burdens. It had not made her weak. Not in the slightest." This is how I feel about my family situation right now. If you had told me that my mom would be in the state she's in now, my dad would be as broken as he is, I would be as drained as I am, I wouldn't have believed you. And I can't tell you how many times I've looked at this part of my life and thought, "I wish my life looked like someone else's. I wish I didn't have these issues. I wish I didn't have to pick my mom up off the floor more times than I can count. I wish I hadn't watched my dad, unable to breathe, almost die. Multiple times in the last few years, and in one day, alone. I wish I had the energy to go on runs and enjoy the sun and do what I love without the guilt of feeling like I should be doing more or something else. And how weak that has made me feel." "[She] still wished to be free of her burdens. It had not made her weak. Not in the slightest." So when I read this passage, I cried. That's the thing about books/movies/music/art/etc. It's a mirror for us, isn't it? It's a way for us to feel less alone. It's a way for us to feel seen. And even at 30 years old, I'm still looking for that. I look back on my teenage self, who thought by 30 I'd have it all figured out. I try everyday to figure it out. And I don't think anyone ever does. We're here to be humans, right? And there's no way of knowing it all, even if we spend our whole lives searching for answers in stories, songs, places, people. That's the beauty of being human. Is the question of it all. I know this had nothing to do with my music, but it always comes back to that. I've been feeling less than inspired lately and as I write this, I know there's a song in here. It'll come with time. But I'm trying to be patient with myself. I'm trying to give myself the time and rest I need to process and come out on the other side with something a little more put together and coherent for you all. For now, I think it's just that I hope you can find some happiness wherever you are. Whether that's in this summer sun, or a good thunderstorm, a beautiful song, or a moving book, give yourself that. Because things are hard. And they only become harder if you fight yourself along the way. Give yourself what you need to get through, whatever that is, and know, it does not make you weak. In fact, it makes you strong. Remember that time.Remember that time I told you all I'd be doing this once a month and then I haven't posted since December? Oops. Hang in there. I think I'm figuring my life out and time is finally a little more on my side so I can be spending it doing the things I actually love. Like talking to you.
So much has happened since December. I feel like a different person. Truly. I think of myself then and there was just no way I could have seen what was coming. And what's going to be coming up now. But before I go forward, I want to look back. Opening for Kimbra. Last week, I had the absolute pleasure of opening for Kimbra at Universal Preservation Hall in Saratoga Springs. (In case you don't know who she is, remember that song, "Somebody That I Used to Know"? She sang on that and has since gone on to make incredible music that you should listen to.) She and her team were some of the most down to earth people I have ever had the pleasure of interacting with. If you were there, thank you for singing along to "Light" with me and for being kind while my nerves pushed my stories out too fast. (In my head I swear I'm talking at a normal speed.) The Eddies Awards. I'm sure, unless you're a local musician in the 518, you have no idea what the Eddie's even are. At their best, they're a chance for all of us lovers of music in the NY Capitol Region to get together, see each other in the same place at the same time, and celebrate the hard work we've all created over the last year. When I tell you I was so wholly unprepared to receive one, let alone three of the awards I was up for, I didn't even have a speech ready. I had some ideas floating around in my head of names I wanted to say on stage if I did win but didn't think I'd have the chance to do so. I was truly in shock. I think I still am? I ended up walking away with Album of the Year, Songwriter of the Year, and Solo Artist of the Year. (Or maybe Photographer of the year? If you were there, you know. Hehe) It made me so proud of myself, my band, our local radio stations, and all of you who have carried me through the ups and downs of this last year. Who would have thought my little album would reach so many wonderful and willing listening ears? If you're new here and haven't yet listened, now's the time. I can't wait for you to hear what everyone put into it. It's stunning. Just one more thing. I recently had the pleasure of taking a walk and having a lovely conversation with Sophia Vastek. She is this incredible musician out of Troy, NY who is everything I admire in a human being. Oh, and she writes just about the most beautiful music you'll ever hear. We walked around her neighborhood and "talked about believing in your self-worth, going at your own pace, and tending to the spirit through everyday moments." (excerpt from Sophia <3) In the midst of this interview, both of my parents were in the hospital. Or to be more frank, my mom was in a rehab clinic for her speech/physical body/to heal after a few nasty falls. My dad was in and out for weeks after they kept putting off a heart valve replacement and sending him home prematurely. All of this is to say, everything I mentioned above has been happening on the tail end of some of the most difficult things in my personal life. I think we need to look out for each other. Hold each other up. Be there for one another because - and I know I sound like a Marshall's throw pillow but - you truly never know what anyone else is going through. You need to be patient with them, and first and foremost, with yourself. Give yourself a little grace. Take the time you need to recharge and then step back in when you're ready. That being said, if you need me, I'll be over here reading "Old Flames and New Fortunes" by Sarah Hoyle because it's the cutest damn rom com I've ever read and you're lucky I put it down to write this to you all. ANYWAYS. I'm still floating around. If you need me, I'll be on cloud 9. All my love, Angelina It's December.
I just can't believe how quickly this year has flown by. I feel like I just keep saying that. But life is moving faster than I can keep up. I have had the loveliest last couple of months even if I have definitely been disregarding responsibilities like these. I know I promised a post once a month and I've been really lacking in that regard. But I'll always come back to it. Sometimes you just need to take some breaks. And for me that included quitting my day job and accidentally taking off two months. And I've spent that time re-painting every piece of furniture in our apartment and feeling like every piece is now brand now which has been so much fun. I've also been reading again. And I mean DEVOURING these books. I haven't read this way since I was a kid and it has felt so good. I've spent less time on social media, less time focusing on the outside world and just getting lost in these stories. I can literally feel my nervous system coming back into regulation. There is a tightness that has been in my chest for about two years that I feel has finally shifted and allowed for space and peace and joy to come back in. That has been a wonderful feeling. I know this time of year just gets whackier and wilder. But the week between Christmas and New Year's is always one of my favorites. It feels like everything should just close and we should all be able to crawl into little holes and hide for a week. Shut it all down and just reset before we walk back into the new year and start it all over again. I know that's not possible, but I'd like to think it is. I hope you're having a wonderful holiday season. My best wishes to you and yours. Take care of yourself and keep breathing. <3 -Angelina Here we are in October.
John Craigie has an album called "October is the Kindest Month" and since I started to listening to his music, that's what I think of as soon as I hit October. I this October is kind and I also think October is stunning. Might be my favorite month? The time of year when you start craving warm cups of tea at night again. And you know winter is on the way but it's not here quite yet. You can start pulling out your sweaters and it's still a little too hot for them but you don't want it to be. The big blankets start to show up on your couch again and it's time to get under them and keep warm. I love it. I took most of this month off from performing. I have one show I'm a small piece of at the Troy Savings Bank Music Hall on October 14th. That's going to be a really incredible show. Just a group of musicians showcasing their works in a beautiful space and I have the honor of backing them up on a piece. So if you're free, that's a night not to miss. Other than that, most of this month is moving really slowly for me. I've had time to watch the sunset and really watch the leaves change color by taking walks everyday. And I mean slow luxurious walks. Trying to move my body in ways that really feel good. The other day, I walked outside and finally smelled fall. It felt wonderful. I needed some time to myself and some time to reset and re ground. That being said, I do have some new music coming out. On 10/6, I'll be releasing a new single. And then, on 10/20 the next single will be coming out along with a music video from our time in the studio. It should be a blast. I can't wait to share what's coming with you. Much love, Angelina 🌻 Wow. So here we are already. One month since my last one of these. I truly don't understasnd the passing of time as I get older. I love the idea that time moves quicker as we get older because our amount of life grows with each year and so the median gets pushed and BAM, suddenly we're 40.
Or 30. As I am about to be. Just a few more days. To be honest, I thought I'd be one of those "OHMYGODIMTURNING30WHATDOIDONOW" people, but I'm not. I think I'm looking forward to it? My mom would always say, "30 is young enough to know what you want and old enough to get it." And yet, I was just speaking with an elderly friend of mine today who was saying his prime was from 45 - 60. That's when you really start to know who you are and feel comfortable in this whole life thing. So maybe it'll take 15 more years than I thought. I always told myself I'd have the whole life thing figured out before 30. I told myself, "Most people don't get it until they're 30? I'm going to get it at 25." But 25 came and went. I spent my 20's pining for the peace and comfort that I think you can only really achieve when you're 30 or older, if you're lucky I suppose. But that's been my recent musing. You can't have what you'll have at 30 because you're not 30. (Imagine the answer being so simple.) But you have to go through it. You have to take what life throws at you and realize what's important and what's not. You have to let yourself and love and be loved by the people who won't hurt you. You have to put your time into cultivating the things that give back to you, in whatever way that is. You have to spend time with your loved ones because they won't be here forever. And stop pining after that stupid boy who isn't going to commit to you. Stop wasting your time, it's beneath you. (lolz) Truly, it took me until maybe, 6 months ago to realize, I deserve to be here, I deserve to take up space, I deserve to have a voice and to be heard and to do the thing I love without needing to break my back in the process of doing so. I just had to break my back -and heart- about 4 times to really let this conclusion and those words and thought processes settle in. But I think it's all okay? Somehow? The heartbreak and the growth and the pain and the love and the realizations. I think it's all life. And I think it's learning to dance in and around all of those things and still find joy, no matter how small. Otherwise, you get really sucked up into the weight of it all because, don't get me wrong, I know weight. And I know these things are heavy as heavy can be, but if you try to walk around with and carry them all simultaneously, you'll break. So don't be afraid to set some of it down and come back to it when you can. And in the meantime, celebrate the small things, spend time with the ones you love, and be grateful for what you've got because a giant meteor could hit earth any second and what's the use of spending what mininal time we have here worrying so much about how clean your floors are? Happy 30, 40, 50, or 60 to you, Angelina 🌻 Here we are. Already in August. I can hardly believe it.
I think in my head, I had planned to do one of these a month. If you look back at my previous post you can see that I missed July. To be honest with you, July was just such a whirlwind, I could barely keep up myself. But I have a minute here and I thought of you and I wanted to write. This last week or so, I've been doing some major reflection as I come into the back half of the year. This year started with my first ever sold out show in my hometown at The Cock 'n Bull. Rick, the owner and a good friend of mine, was texting me that morning telling me he had people calling him personally and asking for tables and chairs. I was shocked and humbled and it was an incredible evening. In February, that same band and I made our way down to the city to play music for the CEO of Atlantic Records. He loved my music, specifically "Steady Your Heart" but I didn't have the social media following for him to want to move in any forward motion with my music being attached to his record label's name. (The big question is, would I have wanted it even if I could have had it? Something I still ponder over 6 months later.) Then, March was full of Nippertown's March Madness competition, which ended in all of you getting me through to the final round and allowing me recording time, some extra cash, and a chance to play at their festival in July. That made me feel so held and supported by all of you, I can't even begin to explain. I had no idea I had that many people behind me that believed in me enough to make that happen. For those of you who don't know, I then unfortunately lost my Grandmother and my cousin in the following months and I've still been healing from that. Every now and again I think to myself, "Why do I have so many of these days where I only want to sit on my couch, watch 'True Blood' and eat snacks?" And then I remember, I'm still grieving. Those deaths are weighing heavy on my heart and really turned my world upside down. The song inspiration has been on a bit of a pause as I try and process how different life is now. Sometimes you know you're going through that hero's journey as you're in it, and that's what this feels like. In June, I had my first ever headlining solo show at Caffe Lena, the door manager said she had never seen so many at the door tickets purchased before the show, which was giving me a heart attack because I was sure no one was coming until I walked out on stage and there were 102 of you in the audience. (Not sold out, but 8 tickets away. It's now a goal for next year.) My heart is still so full from that evening and that will really mean so much to me for quite awhile. July just didn't stop. I saw so many of you out and about at all of the various gigs I played and it was so lovely. Closing out with Wolf Hollow and my family coming out and us being able to gather for something that wasn't a passing really brought so much warmth to me, I could feel it while I was up there and still feel it today. I just released my "Tail End of Summer" dates. Come and see me, I'd love to see you. These gigs I have coming up and have had this year are the gigs I've been striving towards for the last seven years. Gigs that feature my music and a room of people coming to sit and listen to it. It's incredible. And all of this is not lost on me. Just how lucky I am to be able to do the thing I love and have people listen. I think about that almost everyday. (Gratitude is a practice I try to instill daily or I'd lose sight of what's important.) To close, thank you. Thank you. The support you have brought this year has been unprecedented. It has felt like a major shift in a multitude of ways. But I am just to grateful. Thinking of all of you, I hope your summer has been full of the things that make you happy. Much love, Angelina 🌱 Trying something new.Hiiiiii.
I truly have no idea who's going to see this, if anyone. So I think I'm just going to do it like no one's reading it. I think I'm better at expressing myself in this way than through songwriting sometimes. Sometimes I get caught up in thinking about what it sounds like, whether or not I've been clever enough, if anyone's going to get my witty little lyrical twist, or if the person it's about will hear it and they'll know it's about them- which is something I have always equally wanted and not wanted at all. (But moreso wanted.) In conclusion, I'm hoping to use this as a way to get to know each other better. I'll let you know what's happening in my life, what shows are coming up, and just general current life musings, which I generally have a lot of. If you know me at all, you already know that, and the next new thing is always up and coming and I've listened to three podcasts about it and I can't to share it with you and maybe offer some knowledge along your journey as well if you think that's something you might want or need from me- or not. You're getting it either way. But I'm looking forward to connecting in another way. Can't wait to see where this might get us. Chat soon. 🌱 |
AuthorHi! Welcome to my blog. This is a new thing I'm starting. I'm not great at being consistent with it. But I want to try. Let's get to know each other a bit better. Archives
October 2024
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