Life lately.
If I’m being completely honest, I’m trying to rally the desire to step on stage again. I never, ever, thought that would be a sentence I would say. Like. EVER. Let me reiterate. Since I stepped onto a stage when I was five, I haven't wanted to be off of one. So much of my life has been me with this utter desire to be heard, to be really listened to. Being one of four isn't necessarily easy. It's not five or six, but it's still more kids than parents. I remember my first lesson with my college voice teacher, we were talking about me growing up in a big, loud, Italian house. And we were laughing about it, really. I was telling her stories and she was laughing with me. And then, it felt jarring to me, she asked, “Do you feel like you have to yell to be heard?” And it hit something so deep inside of me, I don’t think I’ve fully processed it until now. Now when I’ve created a quiet, safe, loving home with a person who has carried me through the last few years of my life, which have been the most difficult I have ever known. My home has become my safe haven. I find it really difficult to gather the desire to leave it. When I step outside of it, I find myself getting overstimulated quickly and needing more recharge time than the actual amount of time I spent out in the world. This is a really new thing for me and I'm just beginning to understand it., I started performing because it changed me. To step on stage and to be so fully seen and heard. It was what I was craving my entire life. I have spent the last few years with that desire driving me, maybe not even consciously, each time I step on stage. And I've realized, almost feeling like I'm grabbing for the attention instead of letting it come to me. It's exhausting. But now. I have more attention than I’ve ever had and it’s been weird and stressful for me to balance. Because I actually hate it? Truthfully, I do not love attention when I don’t ask for it. It makes me feel so exposed. (Which I KNOW is so backwards with what I’ve said above. But I’m a human. I can feel two things at once and they can completely oppose each other.) Like, don't ever sing happy birthday to me. And I won't have a bridal shower or a baby shower because if I have to open gifts in front of a room full of people, I'd rather re-enact the last scene from "Saw." (jk this is an exaggeration but like. Only by a little.) And this year has felt like that kind of exposing attention. But now that I’m resetting and recalibrating and coming down off of that high after the busiest summer of shows I've ever had, I’m realizing I’ve changed. So much. I’ve realized that if people don’t want to listen to me, then I don’t need them to. Not when I have real love and support coming from people who want nothing more than to wholly give it. Friends who deeply care about me and my well-being. Pianos to be played in the comfort of my home. Words to be said that only I've heard so far- and maybe that's because I'm a little chicken to share them with you. But I'll get there. So after 31 years of stepping on stage to need to be heard, I’m changing the narrative. I’m stepping on stage to heal. Me and you. But mostly me. (hehe) Selfishly, I think I need to do this for me because if I continue to try and latch onto an outside source for validation, there's no way I'll be able to keep doing this. I shared a bit about this on my socials a little while ago, and I can't tell you how many people have reached out to me and said they've been having similar feelings. I was saying, "I wish I could just record music and release it and people would pay for it and connect with it and I'd never have to play a show again." But alas, that's not how musicians make music nowadays. And this one friend I was speaking to said to me, "The world deserves to hear your music." Which knocked me down a few pegs thinking about all of this. Because as much as it does feel selfish, and about me, it's not, is it? It's about us. That's what art is. It's the collective. It's the human experience. So I think I'm taking a step away from some band shows for a little bit. I need to take a beat and revisit why I'm doing this and who I am on stage before I drag my band back into this thrashing sea of emotions I've been going through silently during a show. I have this arsenal of new songs I’ve been sleeping on and can’t wait to share with you. And I have stories to go along with them that I’ve been avoiding talking about and needing to share. I’m not there yet, but something’s cultivating. Looking forward to seeing you out there. Can't wait, actually. <3
0 Comments
|
AuthorHi! Welcome to my blog. This is a new thing I'm starting. I'm not great at being consistent with it. But I want to try. Let's get to know each other a bit better. Archives
October 2024
Categories |